WHY-Wednesday: Why I'm really not all that awesome.

One Saturday afternoon last summer, a friend and I were reflecting on a well-concluded year in the ministry of MOPS.  I was on a high.  I had led ten young moms through discussion, playdates, nights outs, friendships for an entire year, and results were there.  I had perfect attendance for most of the weeks of the second semester.  Great relationships had been built.  We had completed a parenting book together outside of our meetings.  I was the go-to person many of these mamas went to when they had questions.  Three of them were joining the leadership team the following year.  I would be lying if I didn't say I was patting myself on the back quite nicely.  I had been pretty awesome that year.

During that Saturday afternoon, I asked my friend:  "If the Lord has given me such talents [the gift of being plain ol' awesome], where does God fit in after the gift has already been given?  After all, it was I who led these women.  It was I the one brought them together and encouraged them and helped them thrive."  I was basically saying -- how lucky of the Lord to have me.

The question was left in the air.  My friend may have said something wise or true.  Something to correct me, maybe.  But I was too wrapped up in my own self-centerness and awesomeness to pay any attention.

This moment was the beginning of a (so far) year-long story, during which the Lord began to tear me down.  

"If you think I [the Lord] am a small god that you can keep at safe distance, I will pounce upon you like a roaring lion, tear you to pieces, rip you to shreds, and break every bone in your body.  Then I will mend you, cradle you in my arms, and kiss you tenderly" -- Brennan Manning.

And such is my story.

Depression.

Tears.

Attacks by man.

Doubting.

And a whole lot of man-fearing.  

Irony would have it that my following year serving as a table leader in MOPS was not as awesome as my previous year.  So I began panicking and asking myself:  "What am I doing wrong, what do I need to improve, who can I blame for this?"  I'm ashamed to admit that this line of thinking lasted for the majority of the year, before the Lord in his kindness spoke to my heart:  "It's not you, it's never been you doing any of this."  Then Deuteronomy 8:17,18 comes knocking on my door:  

"You may say to yourself, 'My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.'  But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today."

Aaaahhhh...  "it is he who gives you the ability..."

You mean to say, Lord, that everything good that I do does not come from within me, but from within you?

I've known this truth in my mind for years...  

But could it be that I now understand it in my heart as well?

Could it be that my self-centerness and arrogance and pride are the very things the Lord continues to allow me to struggle with, so that I would be reminded of my inability to meet God's standard of perfection, and thus falling on my knees time and time again, asking the Lord to forgive me and to hurry back?

Could it be that the Lord does not accomplish his work because of me, but in spite of me?

Could it be that I'm really not all that awesome?

Eight years married

WOW!  Married for eight years.

I like to joke about how I am on my "third husband" and Byron is on his "fifth wife."  It's amazing how much we have grown and changed over the course of these last eight years.  I look back to that 22-year old girl on June 16, 2007 and cannot believe we're the same person.  

And that 28-year old young man.  That young man who showed up late to our "Welcome Party" two nights before our wedding because he was busy taking care of our guests.  As I cried in the hallway of my mother's house that evening, one of his aunts pulled me aside and looked at me with stern eyes and said:  "you are marrying a servant."

So over the course of these past eight years, it's been my privilege to see that side of my husband grow and mature.  

And so I wonder, how many more "husbands" will I have during the next eight years?

***

How did we celebrate eight years together?

With a full week with every single evening with a commitment, we decided "eat out" at home.

We got Carabba's take-out and ate it on our wedding china.  And some special cake slices from a local restaurant for dessert.

Asleep on the couch

Trying to sell our house while still living in it has not been as hard on us as I thought it might be.  With an average of one showing per week, it's certainly something I can pull off without driving myself nuts.  

I was informed last Monday at around 9:30 am if our house could be shown at 1:30 pm that afternoon.  At the time, I was keeping a friend's daughter, plus had a friend come with her two boys to hang out.  It was a beautiful and fun morning, but as soon as everyone left, the house needed some serious caring for.

I placed the kids in front of their "drug" (the TV) and put the movie Cars on (their favorite movie).

At around 12:15 pm, this is what I find --

Fell asleep while watching his favorite movie, eating his favorite snack (goldfish) and drinking his favorite drink (milk).  This boy also rarely sleeps in any other place other than his crib.

Needless to say, naps for that day were shot.  And I was quite the tired mama by the time evening rolled around.

So is life while selling a house... crazy!

Family yard work

We had a family outdoor workday last Saturday.

Our neighbor's dawgs paid us a visit.

The hot and worn out trio.

To the aquarium with Tia Alison

While in Mexico last month, Emma learned to love sharks from reading countless of Aunt Alison's old books (Alison loved sharks when she was a little girl herself).  Aunt Alison and Emma developed a sweet friendship while in Mexico by bonding over shark books.

Emma picked up a lot during that time.  Alison was impressed by her memory, and how well not only she could remember all the different names of the sharks, but by how she could identify them elsewhere (seeing a different picture in a different book, she could still tell you the kind of shark that it was).

This led to Alison wanting to take her to the Atlanta Aquarium when we got back.  So last Thursday Alison drove into Augusta, spent the night with us, then early Friday morning (7:30 am), the shark-loving duo were on their way to the aquarium.

They had a great time, and got to see some whale sharks, among many, many other things.  Emma says that her favorite part was seeing the penguins.  They also saw the dolphin show.  

Emma was so sad when she learned that Tia Alison would not be returning with her home that afternoon (I picked her up half-way), and cried a good bit on the way back home about this.

The best of friends

These two are such a gift to each other.  Little Byron especially misses his sister when for whatever reason she is not around.  He pretty much imitates her and follows her around.

They like to read side by side --

And fix the "baby's" crib --

And play Princess Anna and Princess Elsa (I tried convincing Emma that Byron would do a better Prince Haans, but that didn't last too long.  "Princess Elsa, SPEAK!" were Emma's helpless words as she tried to do some pretend playing with her little brother).

Little Byron

Little Byron is all boy.  He loves balls, and trucks, and cars, and planes, and helicopters, and Lighting McQueen.  And he loves sharks, and dinosaurs, and birds, and monkeys, and bears, and dogs.

He is also a rough boy.  Tackling, hitting, wrestling, falling, bumping his head, and picking his nose.

But my little boy is also very much a "daddy""--

(^) Feeding one of Emma's bears some breakfast this morning (^)

He loves "babies," so much so that he enjoys playing with Emma's doll.  He also likes to "cook" in Emma's kitchen.  He is EXTREEEEMELYYYY polite, saying "please" and "thank you" over just about anything.  He is quick to say sorry after he's been in time out ("pat pat" he says).  He says "scuse me" when he needs to get by you.  He loves to kiss and be kissed.  Loves to point out everybody's tuch (belly button).  He is very emotional, and gets his feelings hurt easily.  He loves to read and be read to.  He feels absolutely lost without his big sister.

Thankful for this boy.  I pray he would always love and enjoy the Lord whole-heartedly.  A man who is all man, yet all nurture and kindness.  I wonder how this little (almost) two year-old personality will look like in 20 years.