WHY-Wednesday: Why you should grieve well.

In lieu of the approaching Halloween/Day of the Dead, I thought I would use this platform to address some things I believe need to be made known to those who have never lost someone near to them.

The questions always seem to be-- 

How do I grieve with someone who has just lost someone close to them?  Do I talk about the deceased person?  Do I ask how they are doing?  Should I be cheerful?  Sad?  Not talk about it at all?

Without going into too much detail, this is my story--

My father passed away when I was 23 years old.  He had battled Multiple Sclerosis for 22 years, and eventually passed away from secondary effects of it.  He was 51 years old.

I remember the day the doctor came into his hospital room (after we had been there for about three weeks already) and told us that there was nothing else they could do for him.  His time had come.  

He passed away in the hospital bed, only five months after Byron and I had gotten married.

We had our visitation and then burial soon after.  Family and friends came and grieved with us, all for which I was very grateful.

But something very interesting happened right after--

Nobody ever brought him up again.

It's as if they were afraid.

To have people overlook this pain was the second most hurtful experience I had gone through (second only to my dad's passing).

I know they did not cause the hurt on purpose.  They weren't keeping quiet in order to cause me more grief.
They were doing it out of love.  But I wasn't feeling loved.

So the question is--
How can you grieve well with a friend who has just lost someone?

(Disclaimer-- these thoughts are based only on my personal and first-hand experience).

1.  Talk to your friend about their loss.  Ask them how they are doing.  It doesn't matter if it's been a week or years after their loss, just ask.  Tell them you are still thinking and praying for them.  Ask them to share memories.  If you knew the person who passed away, share a few of your own memories with them.  Know that every time you talk to them about their loss, they grieve a little more, and this is very important for them to do.  Some tears may be shed, but that's okay.

2.  Know that to remember is to live again.  When you talk about the deceased loved one, you are bringing him back to life!  This is a very sweet thing to get to do.  

I was at the dinner table with a family the other evening who I had never met before.  We started talking about life, and the topic of my dad came up.  I got to share a little bit about him and of what he was like.  I started to tear up.  I started to miss him.  But oh! what a sweet gift this family gave me.  I got to bring my dad back to this life!

3.  Don't freak out if your friend begins to tear up or cry.  This is okay.  This won't always happen, but please do not think things have gone south if your friend gets sad and teary.

4.  Do a little something on some anniversary of the deceased.  This can be on their Loved One's birthday, wedding anniversary (if spouse), or death anniversary.  It can be as simple as a phone text, an email or a phone call.  If you want to "step it up" a little, send them a hand-written note or a small gift that lets them know you are thinking and praying for them.  Something that lets them know you have not forgotten. 

5.  Restrain yourself from doing any talking or grief-sharing of your own.  My sister shares the story of when she returned back to school after our dad had passed away.  She told her roommate about her loss, and in an attempt to empathize with my sister, the roommate began telling her of her own experience in loosing her grandfather.  Next thing my sister knew, her friend was crying and now she was the one doing the consoling, not the other way around. 

Keep your stories to yourself.  Stay quiet.  Just be there.

6.  Keep their memory alive.  I've already allured to this and have brought it up plenty of times, but I cannot stress this enough.  Keep them alive!