WHY-Wednesday: Why I encourage awareness of postpartum depression (guest post).

I am taking a two-week break from this self-imposed insanity of pumping out blog posts every week.
So I've asked two friends of mine to do the work for me for a while.

Today Taylor will share a little bit of her experience with Postpartum Depression, and help make awareness of it.  This is a very real issue, and one nobody really knows what to do or how to handle it.

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I wish I could remember how I met Taylor.  I think she was one of those people who I ran into often enough that we eventually figured we may as well be friends :) 

She is a cloth mama :), a full-time working mom, and a runner.

So I leave you with Taylor...

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I want to start this entry in saying it is raw, it is my honest open and vulnerable story, spoken only to encourage those in the darkness and raise an awareness of postpartum depression. I am going to attempt to keep this simple but also expose the darkness and the light in the best way possible so hang with me. 

I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a mother of two boys. My oldest is 4 and a half, my youngest is 6 months. You can read the story of the difficulty we faced after my oldest was born on my blog: http://littlebigmiracleoflife.blogspot.com.

The difficulty after his birth did not come in the form of Postpartum Depression (PPD) although I can look back now and see some signs. After my second was born, all was well, everyone was healthy, we were happy. For a while. The first couple of months were great, I was on a high, the third month became a little shaky, but little did I know the fourth month would be the worst. 

A lot happened in that fourth month, I went back to work, different stressors arose, it was an easy excuse to cover up what was really going on. It was also the one thing many, including myself, wanted to rule out before heading down the PPD route. Trying to explain it away and figure it out, or tough it out, it only became worse. I tried counseling, and in the first session with a wonderful Christian counselor, I was encouraged to call my doctor that day. 

In my mind this was admitting defeat, I had failed, but I called. In talking with my doctor, for whom I have the utmost respect and who knows me very well, we ruled out the stress of returning to work and talked about some “defining moments” leading to the diagnosis of PPD. 

This is where it is raw, these are my defining moments that happened over a course of 3 days: On a walk with my dog and my boys in the double stroller, my youngest wouldn’t stop crying, my oldest had been wonderful all day, and the dog’s leash continued to get stuck in the stroller wheel. Over the course of the walk, I screamed profanity, words I rarely scream aloud, screamed at my crying infant, screamed at my well behaved older child, and ultimately took out my anger on my dog by hitting her. At that point, if someone would have handed me a punching bag, I would have gone to town. I hit my dog once, but wanted more. The guilt took over and I began to sob.  Over the next days I had no energy, no desire to eat or drink, I had hit the bottom of my pit. I am also a runner, it is my happy place, my therapy, but it wasn’t working, I didn’t want to go, it didn’t offer a release anymore. 

So yes…I have Postpartum Depression…yes it came around 4 months postpartum…..and yes I am medicated……and still seek counseling twice a month. And yes I am now in a good place, a place where those close to me can easily say I am back to my happy self, my eyes are no longer empty, my joy is returning.  There are still tough moments but they no longer define me. 

Now that you have a brief overview of my story of PPD, let me tell you why I support the awareness of PPD, especially in Christian circles. During the time I was struggling, trying to figure out what was going on, I frequently heard the same comments from very well meaning people, “I am praying for you…..Seek guidance in His word…..He is with you…..” but few wanted to talk about the real darkness, and if they did I felt like we had to talk in code, to hide. 

In speaking with a friend that was very influential in helping me through this, we discussed how Christian circles can be very hard with issues such as depression, it can be a very judgmental arena. To be honest, during my struggle I wanted nothing to do with the Lord, I had no energy, the last thing I wanted to do was go to the Bible and start reading, I was worn, weary in faith, and in a pit of despair. I wanted to be prayed for, but more importantly I wanted to be held and hugged, and understood. I wanted to scream from the hilltops, “I am depressed!” just to let go of the secret. 

But my hard heart and head didn’t want to be labeled weak, I didn’t want to burden others and look like a I wanted a pity party. In the end, the more people I talked to, the more people I shared my secret, the more people told me they shared the same. What a relief it was to know I was not alone. While I do not believe I am anything close to as awesome as Esther in the Bible, I see this story as similar the fact the God’s name wasn’t mentioned or spoken in the book of Esther, yet he was oh so present! His hand was at work even if his name was not spoken in every conversation. So it was over these months for me. I was angry, I was in a time of despair, I didn’t go to him actively, but I knew he was there. 

In my counseling I admitted I lost hope in Him, but he was still there. I look back now and am so confident that he carried me through, even when I didn’t want to speak to him, His light shown in the darkness and it never stopped burning. 

In conclusion, if you are suffering from Postpartum Depression or depression of any kind, please don’t hesitate to speak to someone and if you are scared feel free to e-mail me! I am not going to list off the warning signs or give medical advice, that is easily found online. However, do not be dismayed and do not feel like you have to fit the criteria perfectly, it can hit at different times. We all think of it as coming within the first two months after delivering a child, yet my counselor informed me that the 4 month mark, 6 month mark, and whenever you wean your child when nursing are all trigger points. 

To all of you that may be struggling with any form of depression now, find someone you can confide in, release your secret, you are no less of a person, you are oh so strong and oh so loved. And to those that are on the outside, pray for us, but love us, and love us well by going beyond the prayers and reaching us in our darkness by telling us we are loved, showing us we are loved, and letting us work through our darkness and into the light. 

While I did not find hope in Scripture during some of those darkest days, the words from Hillsongs Oceans played on my phone on repeat. It made me cry the tears I needed to cry, it was the one thing that kept me bound to my Savior. 

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 
Let me walk upon the waters 
Wherever You would call me 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
And my faith will be made stronger 
In the presence of my Savior 
I will call upon Your name 
Keep my eyes above the waves 
My soul will rest in Your embrace 
I am Yours and You are mine” 

I am His!!!!! 

My e-mail if you want to reach out: 
runninspot@gmail.com